Most of us know someone who will happily tell whoever is listening that “I am who I am, and I don’t care if people don’t agree with me or like me.”
It’s a bold statement that can elicit a range of responses in other people. Do we see confidence or arrogance? Authenticity or delusion? Are we impressed or sceptical?
How do you feel when you hear someone make this kind of declaration? Do you believe them? Do you admire them? Do you wonder how on earth they can be so self-certain?
The search for our own authentic self can be a life’s work. Whilst there may be a few amongst us who can genuinely claim to always being true to themselves, for most people it is a complicated and confusing ask. There are many factors that impact our ability to connect with our true selves and these can be deep-rooted in our psyche.
I’ve always loved Carl Rogers’ theory of the self-concept vs the organismic (true) self. It is a simple and elegant way to help clients work out who they actually are as opposed to who they think they should be. Using a Ven diagram we can see how much of an overlap exists between these two parts of self. To become an authentic person, we want as much overlap as possible, but when many clients start therapy that is not the case.
The self-concept is full of our ‘shoulds and ‘musts’. It is built on the values of parents, friends, society, religion, culture, the media and endless other influencers. It can include beliefs such as: “I’ll be worthy of love if I work really hard” or “I need to make myself sexually available to find a partner.” The problem is, if these are not our authentic values we experience internal incongruence, and this can significantly impact our mental wellbeing. The organismic self is who we would choose to be if we felt unrestrained or unjudged. It is our true self.
Working with this model I’ve seen many clients find their more authentic self and become happier and more confident in their own skin. Importantly, knowing your authentic self doesn’t mean always doing exactly what you want. It’s about self-awareness and making conscious decisions that come from a genuine place. It’s about knowing who you are and why you do what you do. In Carl Rogers’ words, it’s about “becoming a person.”
Suggested reading: On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers
