Our own sexuality can be a complicated creature. It constantly evolves and catches us out just when we think we’ve got it sussed. It is deeply personal and at the same time heavily affected by the world around us.
All manner of things can impact how sexual we feel at any given time and the challenge for those in relationships is that our individual fluctuations in arousal rarely aligns with those of our partner/s. Mismatched desire is a very common reason for seeking therapy.
One approach that often helps clients better understand each other’s sexuality, is to explore the theory of sexy body vs sexy brain. This concept explores the differences in what primarily drives sexual desire and intimacy for individuals.
Sexy body people have a strong focus on physical attractiveness, visual stimulation, and immediate physical cues and these are the primary drivers of their sexual desire and arousal. For example, they might be quickly aroused by seeing their partner naked or watching an erotic scene in film. Sexy body people may have a potentially higher or at least more readily accessible sex drive because stimulation can be direct and immediate.
While stereotypically the assumption is that sexy body people are often male, research suggests that this type of sexual arousal is more evenly split between biological genders than commonly assumed.
Sexy brain people meanwhile require a strong mental, emotional, or intellectual connection to experience sexual desire and arousal. For them, engaging in deep conversations, feeling understood, sharing thoughts and feelings, and experiencing emotional intimacy are crucial precursors to sexual interest. Arousal might be slower to build and requires more “de-stressing” or mental space to fully engage.
As with all things therapeutic, this is not a black and white concept. Many people will feel they are somewhere on the spectrum between sexy body and sexy brain and that they move along the continuum at different times in their lives. It is these constant changes that catch people out and lead to frustration or guilt in relationships. Understanding and respecting where our partner is at any given time can help avoid mindreading and assumptions and hopefully lead to a more fulfilling sex life for all involved.
So where do you think you are on the spectrum between sexy body and sexy brain right now?
Suggested viewing: Do you have a sexy body or sexy brain – a conversation with Dr Pat Love